I joined the Facebook group ‘Refuse to date men who use porn’ almost 12 months ago.
I have written a small testimonial for that group. I have shared it here too in the hope that other men might see a pattern in themselves or in other men/boys and begin talking about the cultural impacts porn is having
This is a testimonial I was asked to provide for this group.
I hope men see it’s message of the downward spiral of porn.
Porn taught me that there is a world full of women and girls who ‘want it’ and no one in my culture stopped me.
I first masturbated at age 11/12. I had never seen porn to this point. I remember I used to think about girls I had seen at swimming club.
I remember one day I found an ‘Alvin Purple’ book. I can’t remember the stories. I can remember seeing pictures of black and white naked people.
I started using the images of women I saw to masturbate and ‘storing them to memory.’ Us ‘aspiring young men’ even developed a name for this storing of images. We would call it our ‘spank-bank.’ I remember that I would feel great shame when I’d orgasmed, but never spoke of it.
Playboy and hustler were the next stage. Full glossy colour, big pictures and lots and lots of naked, close up women. After seeing a movie called ‘Revenge of the nerds’ we boys became obsessed with ‘We’ve got bush’ and I used this imagery while masturbating daily.
‘Blue movies’ became available. These movies were like if the Playboy/Hustler magazine stories were filmed. My masturbation increased to many times per day at 16 years of age. It would stay at this level for the next 30 years.
At 17 years of age I saw my first live strip show while on a school trip.
At 18 years of age I found what I now know to be as my first hardcore porn experience. It was a magazine on the street near the University I was attending. It was tattered and torn but I could still see parts of it and what I could see sent my ‘Spank-bank’ into chaos. I spent hours alone in my room using that magazine. Soon though I disposed of it, feeling disgusted with my self.
Within a short time, I found an adult shop (conveniently on my way to university) and upon entering that shop I experienced something that I still can’t put words to other than obscenity. It felt wrong but here was woman, spread wall to wall, everywhere I could turn. I remember quickly choosing a 3-magazines- in-sealed-plastic-covers special for $20 and then leaving hastily, hoping like hell no one saw me exit the store. To my knowledge no one ever did.
I used these magazines many times per day, going through a cycle of orgasm, disgust, school, orgasm, disgust, eat, orgasm, disgust, sleep until I got so disgusted, I threw the magazines away. I would still masturbate, but I tried to only use my ‘spank-bank’
Within weeks I was back in the store, purchasing 3 more magazines, and doing the same cycle of masturbation, disgust until I would throw the magazines out again. The magazine purchasing cycle continued for years in secret. I had a long term relationship during this time and never once did I mention it to her. I was too disgusted. My sex with her started as an enjoyable experience. By the end I couldn’t maintain erection.
I purchased my first xxx-rated video from an adult store around this time also and kept this with my magazines. My addiction was fully fledged by now. I kept it secret from everyone, too ashamed of what I had become to talk to anyone but still using it every chance I got.
My relationship broke down, I dropped out of uni, started delivering pizzas and for a while I did nothing but eat, sleep, work, drink and masturbate.
The porn I was using got harder and darker. I was still hooked on a particular type of image even at 23 years of age: young teen. This is the image that porn pushed into mind and it was what I sought. It wasn’t hard to find. Every adult book store carried seemingly endless selections of this. And I would go through the cycle with magazines/videos/DVD’s of buy, use, disgust, throw away until……
Now if it stopped there, it would have seen me in the mid 90’s in my mid 20’s with a heavy porn addiction, being fuelled by the magazines/videos in Adult Book Stores. It was expensive and it was severely impacting my erectile function. I thought I was just doing it too much and that I could control it. I kept it this way for almost a decade. Then came the internet-porn and everything changed.
Anything that could be imagined was suddenly available at a click. I could search what I wanted, when I wanted. And I did. For a decade I used internet porn multiple times per day. I would use it at home, I would use it at work, I would use it as friends houses, I would use it for hours. I would have dozens of windows opened with each video paused on the exact moment I wanted. I would combine this with blackout drug usage.
My drug usage became an obvious problem and I landed in a rehab in 2012 and began recovery for alcohol and drugs. I was still too ashamed to reveal my porn addiction. So I just stopped using it cold turkey for almost 2 years while
I got clean of drugs and started living clean with my then wife.
It didn’t take long for me to start using the internet for porn again. My first smartphone at the end of 2014 was the death knell for my marriage. I could now access porn 24/7 anywhere I wanted and i had no interest in talking with my wife about something that I didn’t even see as a problem.
My marriage ended in 2015. Its my fault we got married to begin with. I was lying about the most important thing the whole time: that male-supremacy even exists and porn is the capitalised version
I continued to use smart phone driven porn until January this year when I hit #peakporn. There was no questioning it or denying it. I have done enough drug recovery to recognise addiction.
I have used porn once since then, in March. Immediately after using it I burst into tears. I have not viewed porn since.
Porn left me burnt out with life, suicidal and disconnected with my real actual feelings. I’m not a monster, I was made one by a pornified culture. It started with innocent masturbation and ended with me actively seeking the most obscene things I could imagine just to make myself orgasm.
Porn in 2017 is not what it was in 2002 is not what is was in 1983. It’s so much worse. And it cannot be controlled. We all must begin to recover from its impacts.
I can elaborate on this testimonial but I just wanted to get the message out there from this persons perspective, I began behaving like a human when I stopped watching porn
#antiporn #testimonial #pornisrapeontape